VOTEONE

Rat Keller

Party Leader's

Victory Speech

Ladies and gentlemen, bitches on heat, thank you for that rapturous applause and

may I also extend a warm thank you to our previous speaker, our new minister for finance, Rene Rivkin, I know, I know, rene, you prefer we call you Princess Rifkin, but..oh never mind, we won, thats all that counts.

Democracy needs to be taken from the hands of the people and given to someone who knows what fuck they are doing. The election results show VOTEONE has proven we know what the fuck we are doing, even if the population doesn't.

Today the 100% swing we needed to gain power, our critics claimed was beyond us, has mission accomplished scrawled in big blue texta all over it. We dont need an aircraft carrier or bus or even pants to hold up a bloody big meaningless sign, today we are each of us that meaningless sign writ large in warm, gooey, flesh and blood.

The media, in cahoots with our opponents, many of whom have slept with terrorists or have thought indecent thoughts about indecent things, scoffed at any suggestion of us even being on the ballots. But we, meaning me, have secured our place in history. And history is a big place, there are books written about it and much more.

I look around the room and see so many people I would like to thank, but just naming them would not do justice to this restraining order, so I shall just get security to throw them out.

ahhh my freinds, if only I were married and hadnt been afflicted with testefungus as a child I would thank my wife and children. As it is, I shall hold up this DVD of Blow Me Bigboy and use it as a stand in for a political whore trophy wife, and this poster of Lindsay Lohans beaver to simulate my non-existant progeny, and say thank you to them all, without you, and by them, meaning you, I do of course mean me, without whom, I would not be speaking to you tonight.

People we have a long road ahead of us, to some this road is paved in marshmellows and chocolate swirls, to them I say eat, to others the road is sealed with grit and determination, to them I say chew carefully. To all the rest of you, I say, you make up your own minds what the road is covered in, I place a premium upon your hard work and determination to hide from the reality of paving and bitumen, and wonder how you ever got drivers licenses. These are the essence of what VOTEONE stands for and what it hopes to achieve, reform, change,

bio-effification, rejuvination, wether we need it or wether it makes a shred of difference.

We shall take the government out of your lives and give it back to you wholly untouched, we shall meddle, we shall probe and ultimately, we shall prevail over the meddling we do.

Our first priority is of course at the head of our agenda, and we shall make good on our promise to implement it within hours of our taking office, we shall do this even before redecoration, before the giant inflatable portraits of myself have been inflated, before we have created a portfolio of agendas, that is how seriously we have taken our tasks, and how well we know our place in history.

To my opponents, worthy as many of you seem to feel about yourselves, I shall not gloat, I shall not press on with the smears my Minister for Smears, Mr Marvin Repitition, so gleefully molested. No to them I say, let us all embrace, for we are cut from the same broad cloth, we all seek the same thing, the advancement of an agenda which will move this country towards a better place, a kinder place, a place where their twisted immoral, lasivious, repugnant, desires are fully aired in public and given pride of place in gutters paved with gold or a Current Affair.

To Ray Martin I say nothing

To Lindsay Lohan I say Alan Jones.

To you I say me.

To all australians I say emigrate, you will never have it so good, really, so best quit while your ahead and sell your valuables to the highest bidder on ebay. I know thats what I shall do.

For now is the kingdom and paternity of heaven, forever and ever, amenities are out the back and I am just bursting to roll my wrists and get this party started right.

Thank you and goodnight.