in the victorian state election

vote One.

me.

then go back to sleep.

I will take care of it all

my policies:

pokies: I am all for women with erect nipples.

Water: I am against it, I will abolish it and return us to a carbon based lifeform. Ice cubes will be made from anti-freeze and all vodka will now be 100 proof. Dams will be renamed damns, blown up with the water allowed to run free, as nature, that pagan whore, intended (apart from those bits where beavers live, so I shall need to rethink my pro-beaver policy).

Rain: Im all for it, but we must reduce the water content, for the sake of our children, many of whom I have met and can confirm through polling, are strongly against getting wet on their way to school or the casino or where ever it is that they go during the day.

Beavers: I am for them being reintroduced into our eco system, whichever government was in charge during the Paleocene era had no fucking idea whatso ever, I will change this, even if I have to go back in time, I will do it.

Education: I, like many, am sick of it, but i will not, unlike our federal government, settle for a 100% pro-ignorance policy, there must be balance, my policy calls for both ignorance and smartingness. One cant have sunshine without a little rain, so I can honestly say, I have no idea what they do in terra del fuego where it hasn't rained in a thousand years, these terra del fuegans must be incredibly brainy, so I shall ask them to give me the answers in exchange for a few dark clouds.

Religion: I promise to crucify any savior who may be sent down from up on high, as nature intended. This policy will also apply to any mormons or jehovas witnesses who bother me when I am watching sport or pornography on televison.

Pornography: big time yes, we need more support for emerging industries in this country, and I will not be the first to keep this down, unless the script calls for it.

Gay Porn: ooooooooo, its iky, lets keep it in germany, evangelical church's and english boarding schools where it belongs.

Elections: I shall abolish elections in favour of a bi-annual armed uprising or "coup". Remember, the people united will never be something, something ....like that other country we all like to send folks to...

Voting: with no elections, your votes are wasted, as they usual are. So instead of handing out ballots, with our pro-coup policy each house hold will be given a choice between the new Glock 9mm Castrator or the worlds no.1 weapon of peoples empowerment, the AK47 (comes in burnished black or natural woodgrain to match your polished floorboards).

Foreigners: I shall legislate for them to be in other countries.

Foreigner: I dont care what love is, they are a shit band. But I wont legislate for or against, I am pro-choice.

Corruption: I am very easily corrupted, try me, you will not be suprised.

Womens Issues: they always have fucking issues, whats new with that. My only policy on this shall be to ban the compulsory take out of the garbage during major sporting events. I may also do some house work, sometime, just dont make it a big issue, ok. And yes, your arse DOES look huge in that. Sorry, but it had to be said.

Law and Order: I will legislate to ensure that it is more than a mediocre, but highly watchable, televsion show.

Lindsay Lohan: who the fuck is she, and what the fuck has she ever done? I dont know, but I promise to find out. If I am for it, I will let you know, if anti, will call you or txt u lol.

Flag Waving: I am agin it.

Flag Burning: Free matches for all school aged children. Each Austalian Flag purchased must be pre-impregnanted with kerosene and will come with an amusingly stenciled zippo. Classes on flag buring will be compulsory at all governement funded schools. Remember if your not with us, your over there somewhere, stay there.

Patriotism: only Collingwood supporters are true patriots. This will be written into the constitution, if we have one. I shall ask Lindsay Lohan about this when I find out what she is. Does she drive a truck? If not Why not! If yes, next question!

Public Transport: I agree, whoole heartedly, except for buses, which are for poor people and I am against them until they agree to pay me more.

Fiscal Resposnibilty: I will learn how to spell it, good lord willin and the creek dont rise.

Drugs Policy: I shall give them to Lindsay Lohan first, just to see if they are a/poisonous and b/ good.

Lindsay Lohan part two (amended section): I promise to mate her with a beaver, hence creating the LindBLoLeaver, another first for australia, leaders in innovation.

Fossil Fules: People we are burning Trex's, stegasorusess's and our great, great grandparents in our automobiles. Are you people fucking crazy?! Its fucking nuts, lets back to steam, providing I dont outlaw water, then I shall think of something better.

With these (and maybe some other things that I am too embarressed to admit publicly) policies, I shall lead this state into the next century and beyond. Creating a frame work of sustainable sustanability which can only be good or even better.

with this platform, I thee wed. Now obey.