Peita Panna

The Swedes are acknowledged worldwide as a relentlessly dull and insipid people, they live on mountains permanently covered in snow, yet their only form of heating is to throw cold water on hot rocks while clad in towels. So it is not at all surprising that food evolution has long since passed over them, they are the fossilised remains of the culinary dark ages. One more slice of bread atop their herring snacks would create a sandwich and so rejoin them to the world of true gastronomy. Of course if they could turf the pickled fish altogether, they and their other hill top tribes would probably discover a sense of humour. Really the less said about Saabs and their bankers (who couldn't’t find an account if a big black dog were to be manually inserted in….. anyway I'm rambling here) the better.

Peita Panna, which in the native tongue (a mix of low guttural whines, French-Guyana and a German with a speech impediment, so not a great deal of joy for the listener there) means something akin to “I Just Woke Up, So Fuck Off”, a dish for those who have alighted from bed after a BBQ which started at midday and ended an hour after dawn the following week.

Firstly collect all meat scraps (roast beef, sausages, chops, chewed bits in the sink), dice into smaller easier to digest chunks, ensuring that teeth marks, saliva and pieces covered in diced carrots are discarded.

Fire up the beer glazed barbie, decimate some potatoes, toss them onto the hotplate with a piddle of olive oil, a scrunch of salt, sprigs of rosemary and anything else that may appeal at that time of the day. When the potato's are almost done, throw the meat into the midst and fry an egg on the side.

Combine in a shallow bowl with some fresh parsley and top with the runny egg.

Slowly eat, open another beer, pour a snifter of chilled vodka diluted with a dash of fresh lime, kick back and watch sport unfold before your red blotchy impersonation of a decent human being and try to remember who the hell the dead woman in your bed is. You have six to ten hours before anyone misses her and connects your name to the sordid affair, so lottsa time to concoct an impressive story and clean the carpet.

With peita panna the best bet is to remain sedentary for a good six hours, while your stomach works out the best orifice to expel this grand meal from. To ensure this happens the Swedes generally eat while watching a tape of Bjorn Borg playing, which

induces sleep at an astonishing rate.

Salut.